A New Book

I spent this year with my brother. We played in the backyard. He corrected my grammar. We played Oklahoma! for a dinner theater. We hugged. We howled at the moon.

         I just finished the first draft of a book about my brother Marc's life and death. This is what I’ve been doing, instead of writing blogs. (I’m sorry I haven’t been writing more blogs). But this book consumed me - kept me up at night - grabbed me and took me away.

              I’ve always wanted to write a book about Marc, but I didn't know how. I wasn’t sure I could capture him. You know those minds so brilliant that you have no idea how they zip along? That was Marc. Also, what did I even remember, almost 50 years after his death by suicide. He was 19 when he died. I was 14. Were my memories even accurate?

              Last year, I was awarded an artists’ residency at Craigardan which gave me two weeks to write in the Adirondacks, away from all distractions. One night, a friend there gave me a Tarot card reading. My question was, “What should I do about this book about Marc?” The answer was, “Just start, you will know what to do.”

              The next morning, a prologue for the book flowed out of me like an undammed river. That prologue was recently published in Cowbell Literary Magazine which selected me as their featured author. I just learned the piece has been nominated for a Best of the Net award.

              Writing the prologue launched the book in motion. I started researching. I tracked down Marc’s friends from Glen Ridge, from marching band, from MIT. (Say what you will about social media, it's great for finding people.) I found family friends from Upsala College, Oyster Bay, and East Orange. I spoke with relatives. I spoke with his old girlfriends.

              Some people had vivid memories-- times they spent with Marc, what he did, what he said, how he was. Some people offered more general impressions of him and our family. Some people just cried with me over Zoom. A couple of people didn’t want to talk to me at all.

              I found old boxes which my parents left. My dad came through like a champ, having written and saved reams of paper about his son. My mother kept newspaper clippings. I had saved many of Marc's letters. Putting these pieces together, Marc himself essentially wrote one of the last chapters.

              Surprises sometimes happen when I write. It’s all progressing in a sensible direction, but then, it veers. This book was stormed by ghosts who inserted themselves into the narrative. I could hear what my mother would say, if she were alive. I could hear my father too, and he was often hilarious. Many other ghosts visited as well.

              The book now has two timelines. Marc’s story grounds the narrative from beginning to end. The second timeline is my experience writing the book, the research, the interviews, my feelings, doubts, and struggles. My narrative is frequently interrupted by those Ghosts With Opinions, who argue about what I’m saying and tell me I’m wrong.

               It felt like Marc walked with me through every chapter, reminding me, pointing out issues I’d missed. I would often light a candle for him before connecting with his friends on zoom.  I felt like he was there. He listened and observed, just like he always did.

              There’s a long way to go from a first draft to a quality published book. The next step is a solid re-working with an editor who can help me raise it to its highest level. Once I’ve done that—which could take a long time—I begin the labor of finding an agent and publisher. That will take a long time too.

But for me, I just spent a year with my brother which made me so happy. I imagine it made him happy too. I think that Marc will be glad to have a legacy beyond exceptional-young-man-who-died-tragically. I hope his new legacy will be to inspire others to continue living, to get help, to keep going. Because this book makes certain truths crystal clear.

  Our lives matter to those around us.

Suicides leave those we love in great pain which never fully ends.

  We matter, we are loved.

We all need to keep going.

Lise Deguire's multiple award-winning memoir, Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience from a Burn Survivor, is available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Newtown Book Shop and The Commonplace Reader.